I took these nude self-portraits through the collapse of several relationships as a way to process my pain and loneliness.
I am an extremely private, concealed person, and I never allowed myself to be vulnerable. My whole life I have played the tough girl: for twenty-five years I earned my living as a Hollywood stuntwoman; in relationships I mastered the sweep-you-off-your-feet, typically male role of the pursuer; and in my family there was so much dysfunction that I learned how to bury my feelings. Expressing tender emotions or being vulnerable was never an option in any part of my life…until I fell in love.
It wasn’t the being in love that softened my hard exterior, it was when my love was no longer reciprocated. Being rejected opened my childhood wound of abandonment and rejection and threw me into an emotional tailspin. From there it was a short trip to shattered self-worth, obsession and then depression. At these times, at my deepest, darkest lows, when I was most vulnerable, I reached for the camera.
Rather than run from the depths of my loneliness, or revert to obsessive, compulsive or self-abusive behaviors, I chose to turn into the pain, let my guard down and surrender in front of the camera lens. My hope is these photos withhold as much information as they give. These un-retouched photos remind me how brave it is to be revealing, honest, and raw while showing my soft, feminine, vulnerable side. Exposing myself with such truth and authenticity is empowering and my way of telling my psyche that I am okay.
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