I am now twenty-five years old. I feel like I've lived a long time. I don't feel like a young person anymore and I'm not sure I ever have.
When I was young, I had all of these tangible lines of choice branching out before me. But as I get older, as I make decisions, as I choose what I want to do with my life, those lines of choice become fewer, until there are no lines left at all and I have already lived my life and I'm sitting at the top of this dead tree of choices already made.
Sometimes I just want to lay down. Sometimes I just want to jump out of my skin. That's really how it seems in my mind. A lot of times I will make weird, loud sounds with my throat and then look around and if it seems like someone might be around I will laugh to make it seem less weird. A lot of times I think about wanting to fall down and just keep falling.
Sometimes I am so in love with life that I am floated. I can feel my body several feet in front of me like I am projecting myself. Everything is so significant and I live in a meaningful, beautiful world - meaningful and beautiful because that is the way I have chosen to understand it.
Sometimes as I writhe around on the floor I think about convincing everyone around me, and myself, that there is something magical here, underneath us, in the dark. Truly. Sometimes when I'm naked, I get the urge to write, to create, so bad that I can hardly do anything else.
So there is this duality. Wherever I go, there are two lines, overhead, running parallel away from me, reaching towards the horizon. At some point, the two lines meet. I imagine myself always walking under those two lines towards that meeting point. I don't know if it's possible to make it to that point. I don't know if I want to even get there. But I'm not going to stop walking. I will never stop walking towards that point.
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