true statement #1: nobody likes to sing the happy birthday song
true statement #2: nobody likes having the happy birthday song sung to them
true statement #3: everybody* loves whitney houston**

what most people do not realize, is that there is a simple way to resolve the aforementioned problems. this easily implemented solution requires just as few lyrics, is more fun to sing, is more awkward to have sung to you, is vastly more irritating and disruptive to strangers around you, and, most importantly: actually reminds the birthday person that their friends love them. there is something cathartic to singing whitney houston (badly) at the top of your lungs until you are sweating and red in the face. for these reasons we have banished the happy birthday song forever, and instead sing i will always love you in it's place. the tradition is most comical when performed in a public setting or a party where strangers are present and the cake-bearer is forced to stand and keep the candles lit for the full length of the longest song ever. acapella is doable but generally not recommended (except in the case of emergency), due to the difficulty of sustaining momentum during the musical interlude. so it helps to befriend a sassy bartender who will allow you to take over the soundsystem or juke box.

*that i know and love
** if they know what is good for them