America faces a clear choice this November. Big Bird or Vulture? Author Erich Origen kicked off Litquake 2012 with this stump speech from the vulture's point-of-view. The vulture appears in Don't Let the Republican Drive the Bus!
Hello. It's great to be here in San Francisco with you hipster liberal scum.
My fellow Americans, I want to drive the bus. Yes, it's a metaphor for running the country. But what qualifies me to drive the bus? Good question.
Firstly, I'm handsome. Not attractive, per se, but handsome. Lastly, I'm rich. A lot of people resent my success, while others resent the fact that my success comes at everyone else's expense. And no, you cannot see my tax returns. I do own many houses. But there's one house I can't buy. YOU have to vote me in. That's why we have to go through all this nonsense.
As my record shows, I may not really believe in anything, but I know this: I hate public transit. Actually, I hate anything with the word “public” in it! Public parks. Public schools. Public employees especially. There's nothing I enjoy more than swooping down on a union teacher and plucking her eyes out in front of the whole classroom! There's a lesson for you kids.
I believe government is a pestilence on this Earth. It is not something by the people, of the people, and for the people -- unless you include just anyone off the street in your definition of people! I don't.
Now, given how much I detest the public and the public sector, it's only natural you'd want me in charge of it! I double-dog promise to make this country great again -- just like it was on January 19th, 2009, the day before Barack Obama took office. Everything was great in those halcyon days.
We were better off back then. Better off shedding 800,000 jobs a month. Better off getting denied health insurance. Better off with GM going bankrupt. And better off with Qaddafi still alive, jerking off to pictures of Condoleezza Rice.
All right, Day One, Job One: Kill Big Bird. Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? Lots of riffraff down there. 47%ers. Look, we all have to make tough choices, and Big Bird is the first to go. Only then will we achieve a classless society.
Now, with Big Bird no longer a drag on our economy, what about Day Two?
As you all know, Bush took a budget surplus and turned it into a record deficit. By the way, did you see the Debt Clock at the RNC? WE BUILT THAT! You're welcome.
But I have a deficit-reduction plan. It was crafted by the Hoover Institute's top howler monkeys. It involves eliminating the Department of Education, repealing Wall Street reform, denying people affordable health care and fair pay, and taking away women's rights. Also, cutting 5 trillion in taxes, spending an extra 2 trillion on defense, and creating lots and lots of $10/hour jobs at Best Buy.
When I'm in charge, our nation's most deserving will continue keeping their vast fortunes safe from Uncle Sam, by holding at least 21 trillion dollars offshore -- far away from anyone who'd use it for some damn fool thing like Pell Grants.
Funny thing about vultures. We have a clever trick for getting to your bone marrow. We swoop down, pick you up, carry you to unimaginable heights, and drop you on a very hard surface! Then we harvest your bone marrow at significant profit. And as we all know, there is no greater human virtue than profit. Is there?
My story is simple, really. Maybe you've read my autobiography, "Overcoming No Odds to Achieve the Possible." And THINK about it: Isn't THAT the American Dream?
Yes, my fellow Americans, I have a dream, too! I want to drive the bus. OK, maybe you're worried I won't stop the bus for you. Or let you on. Or charge you extra. Or maybe I'll just run you over! You, my friend, have a victim mentality. Take responsibility for me running you over!
Last but not least, I vow to never put the needs of nature, the planet, whatever, above my hair's need for petroleum products.
Now, in closing, if I could have all of you sing along with me…
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet
Can you tell me how to get
How to get to Sesame Street?
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