Three months ago, I blacked out while watching Altered States on cable. Subsequently, I fell into a month long coma. When I regained consciousness, I found this movie on a thumb drive which had been surgically inserted into my left butt cheek. It took doctors 36 hours to remove it. I invited several of the world's top cryptologists over to watch it with me in my subterranean safe room theater below the Carl's Jr. on 51st and Airport. Their bodies were never recovered. I awoke in the trunk of a green Volvo out in the Nevada desert. I was picked up by army intelligence wandering around White Sands, NM 3 days later, unable to remember the names of my childhood pets. Somebody uploaded the video using my account. I also have RLS and my car smells like fried chicken. Help me.