Canadian Women Speedskaters training at the Richmond Olympic Oval, Oct 23, 2009.

I'd been skeptical about the speedskating oval, til working one morning, coincidentally, we watched the Women's Olympic team training, and I felt suddenly certain that if the decision had been mine, I'd have gleefully built them an axial-gravity ice-mobius in low-orbit, triple-mortgaging the tar sands, ice caps, and Baffin Island beachfront [soon-to-be valuably sub-tropical] if it would provoke these magnificently overdeveloped physiques to grow any larger. I was hypnotized, enthralled, absolutely in lust, completely swept away in the absurd irrationality of Olympic spirit. Thankfully, nobody asked me, and some other panel of biz'nez schmos had already gone ahead back in 2007 and made the call to do more or less the same thing anyways -- minus the orbital sporting platform, that would have rocked. At least we got a luge, plus, a really expensive building to raise girls to get built like this. How do you put a price-tag on a future like that?

That's Cindy Klassen in the black, number two position on last lap, each thigh the size again of her torso, a marvel of human physiological proportions, and a triumph of the vast superfluous caloric potentials of our prairie-fed post-humanity.

Canada's most decorated Olympian, she swept five gold medals in 2006. Ye gods, I remember gaping slack-jawed as she hit light-bending warp in Turin, clearly dominating every ice event like a beautiful buffalo-centaur on a rail gun. Damn that girl is strong, and we've got five more just like her! Some even faster, all gorgeous too! Athena be merciful!

Colbert, who do you think you're challenging here, honorable broheim?

Nation, invite the Canadian Women's Team to New York! Then maybe we'll agree to let your teams play with ours on our spiff new oval. VanOC, see what you can do about reciprocating Mr.Colbert's hospitality already, would'ya?

The Calvert Dominion offers this proposal, and could be willing to mediate that inevitable conflagration. Invitation please! Refer to frater Brian Calvert's '2010 - 101' and other works for comedic accredition:
brianmcalvert.com/2010101ep2.html

And my [Steven Calvert's] artful on-set photography to qualify our production savvy:
flickr.com/photos/steppinlotus/sets/72157594378491273/

Our grandmother was an Olympian, [L.A. summer '32], so we both feel some familial obligation to stay affably neutral on the local political arguments opposed. Which conveniently frees up those cognitive circuits for ogling these extraordinary specimens in speedsuits with hinged razors on their boots blazing through frictionless frozen space, cornering hard on polished ice with terrifying momentum and perfect synchrony. Ridiculous, really, and unsettlingly beautiful -- it bears a certain mystique, it turns out; one more thing the Dutch are correct about.

This video does no justice, [and our athletes are definitely not blue -- ColbertNation viral-video hackers! Curse your preemptive strike!] ... But just to say it, I was there, and for a few moments, feeling it...

Go go Canadian Women's Speedskating, go go! You ladies are astounding to behold. Salut aussi for being friendly.

Super-athletes of the rest of the world, stoked to meet ya', and amped see you push the limits of physics and physiognomy in February. Best in luck and fortitude in the remaining months of preparation.

Vancouver, pull it together, the camera's rolling.

Colbert Nation, bring it... and you're welcome.



S.Calvert
Nov 6, 2009

99 days