I got up that morning in my half empty apartment and put on an old boyfriend’s big shirt. I had just cut off my hair, and I looked like a man-child. I covered up my eyes and biked down to meet up with the others at Stef’s house. Mathieu and Nora showed up and we thought it would be great to bike them half way across the city to the bridge. Stef and I had ridden across it on a tandem a year before and talked about making movies. The original plan was to make a film about throwing a bodybag into the Saint-Lau. This is why we aren’t filmmakers. It’s a great bridge to bike on though. And you can see the city that we live in real well from it. Not that its all that much to look at, but it’s a good place to keep your family and a lover and a band or two. Its home. I love it like a family dog.
The Luyas are my friends and basically my only reason to be anywhere. I like them because their heads aren’t screwed on too tight, so the light gets in or something, and they get ideas and life stories built up real quick and real interesting.
We went back to the neighborhood after the shoot and got some drinks, I think. The band had just gotten home from a tour and I was about to leave again in a week with some other friends. Mathieu talked to me about being a nomadic artist, and I found that very interesting and wondered about whether my nature would survive that kind of a life. When I’m alone, I always want to be gone. When I’m gone I feel like a runner. Is it foolish to travel seeking something profound? I wondered if I was encouraging my own restlessness. I haven’t been mad with love in a very long time.
He said I was making him nervous. I apologized for it. I wanted to know more about traveling around the world being an artist. I was probably asking too many questions. I was losing my home and was alone for the first time in a long time. That was the day that I lost my marbles again in a way. I got confused. Now I’m not sure I’ll ever go home again. Not for some years anyways. I had wanted to be an adult a few months earlier but it wasn’t written in the stars yet. I am still leading people around town on bicycles looking like a teenage boy.
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