A ray of rational sarcasm in a demon-haunted world. Giant killing, monster slaying, deity defying Englishman shipwrecked on the golden coast of the New World. Happily humanist, aggressively atheist, perfectly pastafarian, amusingly alliterate and unapologetically unwilling to fake politeness towards right-wing lunatics, southern baptists, conspiracy theorists, homeopaths, sociopaths,cycle paths, Scientologists, creationists and general ignoramuses.
I'm British and, true to my cultural stereotype, I possess the following:
Poor sexual technique
Bad dental work
An apathetic attitude towards my bad dental work
A caustic, but otherwise untalented, tongue
A superiority complex when it comes to perceived inferior nations (USA, Bulgaria etc.)
An unwarranted fondness for Doctor Who
An accent that you'll find sexy for all of two hours, then it'll just grate
No drivers license
Complete bafflement at your belief in any form of god
A firm grasp of irony
A vague and passing curiosity in what it would be like to fuck a donkey
I am profoundly unloveable, but not in a cuddly, amusingly curmudgeonly way like that peripheral character from some half-remembered sitcom of your youth. Rather, I am sarcastic, morose and crippled by the kind of existential angst commonly sported by unattractive teenagers who think The Crow and Insane Clown Posse were the crowning achievements of late twentieth century western civilisation.
I'm an atheist, a secular humanist and, through some kind of deal my grandparents brokered when I was a small child, a lifetime member of the Hotwheels fan club.
Will this do?