I always thought abortion was wrong because it took the life of a child, yet, when faced with the reality of a pregnancy myself, I abandoned my position and made arrangements to have an abortion. I allowed fear to drive my choices.
When I entered the abortion clinic, I was taken to a small room where I undressed and lay on the exam table. I began to cry and I was very afraid, but I was more afraid of leaving the clinic without having the abortion done. A part of me died that day: it went away through the suction tubing that removed the child from my womb. That day I silenced my child.
After the abortion, alcohol and drug use became common for me. In a few months, I was pregnant again, I quickly made an abortion appointment and this time I did not cry, I tried to think of something to distract me from the pulling and tugging going on in my womb. Afterwards, I could not wait to get drunk—so I could numb my emotions. I was internalizing the silence of abortion.
I soon experienced a third pregnancy and another abortion. Like many women, each time I aborted a child I felt an initial surge of relief. I had assumed that abortion would solve all my problems, but things just got worse. As my life spiraled out of control I became pregnant again, by this time I was suicidal. I had embraced the silence and it was eating me alive.
I began searching the yellow pages and I called a pregnancy help center number. I went through with the pregnancy and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who I placed into the arms of his adoptive mother. That day, the silence was broken by the cry of a newborn, but my heart had not changed yet.
For many years after that I avoided the reality that my abortion had taken the lives of three children. There came a time when I could not avoid the truth any longer, I had to stop denying that I has sinned against God and face my guilt. I had sinned against God by taking the lives of my three children.
I began to consider how the sin of abortion had affected my life, but I also discovered that my sin in general had separated me from God. I discovered that God is a God of mercy and forgiveness and that I could receive those wonderful gifts.