The original post:
Once upon a time, Michael and Stephen were bored on the internet. In the course of the conversation, it became necessary for Michael to explain the stages of dating, to the woefully out of touch Stephen (He is, after all, older than 20, and can no longer be expected to know things, or meaningfully contribute to society).
Stage 1: Flirting - General nods towards each other at parties. If one is in a 90's mood, a mix CD. Buying drinks. Doing things with them that one wouldn't otherwise do. For the women, explaining how 'into football,' you are. Men generally discover a great latent talent and interest in knitting.
Stage 2: Dating - Going to dinner. Seeing a movie. All the things real couples never find the time to bother with.
Stage 3: Coupled - Like two trains, you are now joined to each other. Also like two trains, you'll gradually start to notice things about the other train that annoy you. This is balanced out by all the things you are finding out about the other train that *don't* annoy you. This sublime balance, and in all likelihood the grossly inappropriate metaphor, will continue throughout the relationship - but use caution. Drift too far one way or the other, and this can lead to an express trip to either Stage 7, or Stage 8.
Stage 4: Facebook Coupling - A public announcement. This is a recent invention, and can put no small amount of stress on the continued balance of stage 3. There have been frequent calls, mostly by the male half of the populace, to remove this from the equation to no avail. Unfortunately, the female of the relationship still holds ultimate control over how much sex is to be had, and use this influence here, as well as everywhere else.
Stage 5: Continued Coupling (8-12months) - The balance has continued in a reasonable fashion. There have been fights, maybe even a few close calls. But all in all, the vital chi is still there. That or you're both fuck ugly and know you won't get a better deal anywhere else. This applies to most people's parents.
At this stage, the paths split. Read either Stage 6 (breaking up) or skip to Stage 7 (continued dating)
Stage 6: Breaking up - The balance is gone. The best thing to do now is kill it. Swiftly, silently, and brutally. Text messages to accomplish this are by now perfectly acceptable, as are making eyes with other people a - remember, the more you make the other person loathe you, the better the breakup sex will be. And at this stage, that's about all you've got left to cling to.
Stage 7: Continued Coupling (12months - 3~4 years) - This is where couples tend to get into a bit of a groove - and who can blame them - being with the same person for this long is kind of like having Crispix for breakfast every day. Sure, its delicious. But after a while, you're begging for Weetbix, not because they taste better, but to break the monotony. At any time in this stage, the relationship can revert back to Stage 6, only worse.
Stage 8: Marriage - The final throwing in of the towel on life. Followed almost immediately, for all intents and purposes, for you can be secure in the knowledge that you'll never do anything more memorable or exciting, by Stage 9.
Stage 9: Death.
Comments? Thoughts? Suggestions?
...please note that this is intended purely for its satirical, hate filled, slightly emo comedic value, and don't express the true opinions of... well... anyone at all. Aside from the aforementioned satirical hatefilled emo's.
Then I needed something for the second piece of assessment for a university assignment, and couldn't resist.
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