Made explanatory slides as layers (peeled one by one in vid). Pointed SLR at laptop screen, took headphones out from ears, put them over camera mic. Pressed record, one take!
The intended audience are those who both capture and edit their own images.
If that includes you then you'll enjoy reading this. It's just a rant in which I vent out all the pent up rage you feel, but have never dared to say out loud!
Anyone else is unlikely to know what on earth they have somehow found themselves watching, and is likely to end up a bit pissed off by the fact that this is not a tutorial in any way, and this description will all just feel like you are undergoing an unprovoked verbal beating at the hands of a raging lunatic! Please don't take it personally! (Morons!)
No other occupation (apart from leader of a country or official head of state) has anywhere near as many self-proclaimed experts who claim to know everything while displaying absolutely zero knowledge about what actually doing the job for real means in practice!
The day you sell a photograph for money, come and give me advice about photography. Until then, ask questions if you are interested, but don't dismiss my answers before you attempt to understand the explanation on the basis that you secretly just want to wait for me to leave a gap in conversation long enough for you to tell me how to do my job much worse than I currently do!
Why not search the Yellow Pages for Plumber and Prostitute and go tell them how good you are at fixing taps and having sex in exchange for cash! Don't just make suggestions! INSIST that they shut up and acknowledge how great you are at what you've never attempted and act like they should be thanking you for this!
A common question: What camera should I buy to take pictures as good as you?
A common response: Depends on your budget, what are you looking to spend? If you want to sell to stock agencies then a full frame sensor with either at least one very expensive zoom and some prime lenses, as the lens is a big factor in image quality too. Any less and you'll struggle. Yes sir, course I know about photography! Do you have a store card? Now I seriously suggest signing this and taking the extended warranty before leaving the shop today sir!
An uncommon response: I don't really know to be honest, but if you ever want to rescue a load of hostages from the Iranian Embassy in London and kill all of their captors, get yourself an H&K MP5 9mm submachine gun. I believe that merely owning this tool will qualify you for instant recruitement into the Special Air Service at the rank of Colonel. Don't forget to register your purchase online before June next year to receive your free Victoria Cross "For Valour".
My actual answer is to buy a book about photography for beginners, and any second hand film or digital SLR with a fully manual mode before you say..
.."I'm good at photography too! Can I come with you?"
I'll say "Sure!"
(I'm too nice to say no. REALLY!)
Please actually mean this when you say it!
(occassionally that happens! 🌠)
I might take multiple exposures of the same thing. A grey card.
You are free to look confused, get angry, and blurt out
"YOU CAN'T EVEN JUST TAKE A BASIC PHOTO!"
I can and I AM!
You ARE good at photography!
(In the same way that you ARE better at driving than every other idiot on the road!)
Now all of this I can handle (what a hero), but this is what really hurts...
...when a person is looking at your pictures, breathtaken!
"Wow, it's amazing, how did you do that!"
"Oh, lighting, angles, planning, bit of contrast in Photoshop.."
"...how dare you. Leave!"
"GET OUT MY SIGHT!"
So did I use "the P word"?
Too bad 'cos yes! Capital bloody YES I DID!
Any of you lot ever ACTUALLY TRIED "Photoshopping"?
Is a movie star on the front of a magazine truly touched by the claws of darkness because her complexion is smooth and her figure a bit more hourglass than reality!
If you feel that strongly about it go petrol bomb a lipstick factory!
Nobody's lips are THAT red in real life!
Course you don't want it "looking fake"!
If you did you'd get drunk then draw it with crayons.
It'd be a lot cheaper!
In this industry "natural" is the most manipulative word in any sales pitch!
Want the truth?
No editing at all?
Careful what you wish for!
(Wish everyone said that!)
Zero editing is NOT "honesty"
but ACTUAL deception!
NOT an way easy out or for "cheats!"
Days, weeks, in one room. Perfection gets improved! Every speck of dust; gone, (or made perfect)!
It's amazing how little progress can be made in a whole 12 minutes!
Watch and be bored!
Images © email@example.com
Soundtrack © Dandy Warhols and Ned's Atomic Dustbin.