I'm laying here thinking about 24. laying here thinking about the passage of time. thinking about loss. and thinking about what I've been able to gain. I didn't really know what to do with it all until I was forced to just let it go. drain it out. I felt my entire body completely empty out about 8 times over this past year. making space and then filling those spaces right back up. to the point of overflowing. feeling the threat of the lights inside of me being dimmed all at once. and then darkness interrupted by joyful expansion. happy memory filling in the gaps. everything new seems to shine brighter than what came before. but the pain that creeps in can cut deeper into old wounds.
small bits. wet blobs of colour. pink and blue. knotted into my bed sheets. moving boxes. west to east. skin to skin. glittering light. heavy bags. countdowns. messages failed. all of the sweat between us. rushes of blood. yellow skies. chlorine. tired eyes. infatuation. then loyal waiting. purple hearts. rolling in dust on a warehouse floor. friends. lovers. queen street at 4am. broken fans. new ink seeped into my arm.
switching back and forth between the feeling of "endlessness" and then the repetition of loss and starting joy all over again. I can't go a day without thinking about it. experiencing it. how do those two things happen all at once? maybe we can only experience a few perfect moments of acceptance and allowance of both to happen to us. my memory both comforts and hardens me.
what did I learn?
ask for help. know what you need. ask for help.
input is just as important as output fran.
be open to love. not empty for it.
I want you to know that my whole life changed in this year. I think yours did too.
I still don't think we know how to love one another. I still don't think we know how to say goodbye.
you know I'm obsessed with connection. but there's been a change in me and I'm still searching to know what that connection really means for me. for you. you experience the world in a really special way when it's constantly in relation to someone else. is that what we do? I don't know. but what I do know for sure is that I love the way you make me feel.
Hope the water's deep enough
(Rushes to the head)
We've been here before
The first time is not the past time
I ain't felt this way in years
First time I was rushing for a wait
This time I'm waiting for a rush
(Help me up, help me)
Infatuation's your rush
(Help me up, help me, help me off my feet, yeah
Keep pushing on 'em, never let 'em stop
Whatever happens to be, what happens to me, upon his feet
Twin peaking, highs and lows, we shaded off, they know
Bygones we wasted here, ride around in my two wheels
I love the way you make me feel
(What happens to me)
Me, you and, you and me
(You, just you and me)
(I need some help on my feet)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I be up to my feet
I'll wake up in a week
Wake me up in a week