OH MY GOD IT HAS SOUND NOW.
Still kind of rubbish, but unless I die and get reincarnated as a time traveling sound engineer, this is all we get.
Volume may be too low, because I have no idea how to normalize that.
Thanks to Samantha for the invaluable feedback (maybe it's actually just really valuable but I have no money anyway so HAH), Francis for hating the rug (few men have hated as he has hated that rug), Eric for helping with my after-effects alzheimer's, and Kyler for putting up with all my idiotic tvpaint questions.
Sound effects from freesound.org, from the following people (sorry, it's kind of hard to tell whose is which because I renamed everything), who get much love for being awesome and making sounds I can use:
samplecat, meatball4u, benboncan, ermfilm, nextmaking, rock savage, pauliep83, and bennychico11.