I lost you one year ago. Since then, I have been completely lost. For a longest time I had been thinking for the two of us and I was not able to think about myself. Living in other country, studying in another university, being without you. This situation is new for me, therefore I lost myself, I was not able to understand myself, I did not know myself anymore.
When I knew that I had to work on a new project for the masters, I decided that I should do something which would help me to understand myself, to find myself and that is why I decided to continue working with the "blood project"; that I have been working on over the past few years. With the needlework I am able to truly find myself. When I'am embroidering, it is just me and the garment, nothing else. That is a feeling that I love so much. I love making, I love being involved and imerged within the entire process for creating a garment. To the absolute fullest extent possible, and that is why I use my blood. Using this personal liquid and making it as one with the garment is a way of demonstrating the sacrifice and the passion that I have for fashion. Using my blood for making the garments is a way of turning myself in to the people and I love that so much.
When I started the research, I asked a question of myself, “Why continue working with blood if that is a final project from my fine arts bachelor?”. I was afraid to answer, but it was obvious. There was a wound in my soul that I needed to heal, it was not closed yet and I had been carrying it during the past year. It was you. Then I decided to create, in a way which would help me to close that period, to continue with my life.
This jacket is a representation of what I had been experiencing during this year. How I was crying inside while I was smiling outside. During this year I have been carrying within me all this pain and all this sadness on my own. I was not able to take it outside until now, when I accept that all these feelings exist inside me, now that I am strong enough to work with them and not hide any more. It is now of this moment, when I find confidence in myself again, when I am able to create something from destruction.
After this experience I really understand how important it is embracing the pain. We live in a society that avoids pain all time, we are living in a society which takes pills and drugs in order to avoid the reality and to hide the suffering. What I feel we actually need, is to embrace all that, because it makes us vulnerable and therefore human. I like to describe the "blood project" as a way of saying that I am alive, I am bleeding because I am living, I am suffering because I am alive.
I accept it, I accept the pain and the sadness in order to heal and I accept that maybe those feelings will never disappear from my heart. But I am fortunate because I loved once, actually I think I'm still doing it and there is nothing more beautiful, I accept that I am the more loving one.
Thanks to all the people involve on the making of this piece.
Javi del rosal as camara
Victor barrejon for the Postproduction
Iara C. Lledo for Make up
Music by Ryuichi Sakamoto and Alva Noto (Song: Trioon I)