Explaining Death to Children in Covid-19 Talking points & links
1. Children are great observers. Avoidance can be a message: “it’s bad to talk about or will make mommy/daddy sadder”
a. Observing something that is unexpected, unusual for parents
2. But don’t want to give information they may not understand or not want to know
3. We can:
a. Maintain an openness
b. Listen & accept children’s feelings
c. Offer honest explanations when we’re upset
d. Answer questions with understandable answers and not overwhelm them with too many words
4. Death is one of the parts of life with greatest uncertainty, Ok to say “I just don’t know the answer to that one”
a. In these times, even more things are uncertain.
b. Finding new ways to say good-bye,
5. Death used to be part of life and not taboo. TedMed Talk Kevin Toolis coming out on this soon
a. How do we acknowledge/modify rituals in this time
b. It’s ok for kids to go to virtual funerals let’s talk to them and prep them beforehand what to expect, what do you want to say
c. Kids can celebrate the person
d. Virtual funerals allow kids to step back and take a break
6. Developmental stages:
a. Preschool: Death as reversible, temporary, impersonal
b. 5-9 years old realize it’s final but don’t see as personal. Somehow, they can escape. Nightmares about skeletons or angel of death
c. 9/10 years old adolescence comprehend death is irreversible, all living things die, including them. Teens> what is the meaning of life
d. Some may ask questions right away, some may have thoughtful silence and come back with questions.
7. Death can be made understandable by explaining in terms of absence of life functions: do no breath, eat, talk think feel anymore
a. Questions have simple relevant answers
b. Check for understanding
c. May learn through repetition
d. May need future clarification
e. Routines are different now and thus likely a delayed response. May see grief when we “go back” to more typical life (Summer 2020)
8. Takes time to understand the ramifications and emotional ramifications
9. Question: When will you die-> when realize it’s final, separation from parents is frightening.
a. Ask: are you worried I won’t be here to take care of you.
b. Reassure kids that we’re doing everything to stay safe and there will always be people to look after and care for you. (People who can’t stop working, this is a real fear, kids will be aware of)
10. Stay away from euphemisms
a. (may confuse death with sleep)à may be afraid of going to bed and taking naps
b. (may confuse death with going away)à may be afraid of any separation
11. Reach Out: 1-844-863-9314
12. kidshealth.org/en/parents/death.html
13. emilyedlynnphd.com/grief-resources
14. compassionatefriends.org
15. Together Apart, with Love- FB Group
Anne Marie Albano, PhD ABPP: columbiapsychiatry.org/profile/anne-marie-albano-phd
Jennifer Newman PhD: psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/jennifer-newman-new-york-ny/468853 or med.nyu.edu/faculty/jennifer-newman
Rebecca Sachs, PhD ABPP: cbtspectrum.com
