This is the second edit. After the first edit, I recorded some new scenes, played with some extra effects (screen in screen! overlay! blur transitions! - I know I have gone overboard with the blur transitions...). I have also recorded further new material with some new characters so I will do a third edit with this new material.
I asked advice of some professional filmmakers and they've offered to take me through the process of storyboarding which will hopefully clarify both my storyline and edits.