Extract from a traditional seaside Punch and Judy performance by Professor Glyn Edwards, recorded in 2005 in Aberystwyth.
PUNCH: (ENTERS SINGING) “Oh I do like to be beside the seaside. I do like to be beside the sea. And there’s someone else beside who I like to be beside, beside the seaside beside the sea.” (CHUCKLES) That’s the way to do it!
JUDY: Now you look after the baby while I go shopping..
JUDY:…. and teach the baby to walk.
JUDY: Teach the baby to walk. It’s not rocket science. Bye bye (EXITS LEAVING PUNCH WITH BABY)
PUNCH: Bye bye. (TO BABY) Come on baby. Walky walky walky.
PUNCH: Oi! I said walky walky walky!
PUNCH: Come on you soppy baby. (STANDS BABY UP) There we go. Come on. Walky walky walky. (BABY FALLS FLAT)
PUNCH: Whoops. Oi stop it. (STANDS BABY UP) Come on I said ‘walky walky walky’ (BABY FALLS FLAT. PUNCH STANDS IT UP) Stop it. I said ‘walky walky w... (BABY FALLS FLAT) .
PUNCH: (STANDS BABY UP) Stop it! Walky…(BABY SUDDENLY STARTS MOVING AROUND AT SPEED WHILST PUNCH TRIES TO CATCH IT) Stop it. Come here. Oi baby. (PUNCH AND BABY COLLIDE)
PUNCH: Oooh. Poor baby.
PUNCH: Be quiet.
PUNCH: Shut up!!
JUDY: (ENTERS) Here Mr. Punch was that my baby crying?
JUDY: Yes he was.
PUNCH: No he wasn’t.
JUDY: (TO AUDIENCE) Was my baby crying everybody?
JUDY: (FETCHING SLAPSTICK) I shall fetch my slapstick and I shall give you a big smack.
PUNCH: A Big Mac?
JUDY: No not a Big Mac.
JUDY: A big smack. (WALLOPS HIM TIL PUNCH TAKES SLAPSTICK FROM HER.) No! That’s my stick.
PUNCH: So what.
JUDY: Don’t you ‘so what’ me. It’s my stick. Give it to me.
JUDY: I said ‘Give me the stick’.
PUNCH: OK. (WALLOPPS HER) That’s the way to do it.
JUDY: Oooh. You are so in trouble now! (EXITS)
POLICEMAN: (OFFSTAGE) Hello, hello hello.
PUNCH: Ooooh. It’s a policeman. Whoops. (EXITS)
POLICEMAN: (ENTERS) Right. Now then, now then, (PUNCH APPEARS FROM BEHIND AND KNOCKS HIM FLAT WITH SLAPSTICK) Now OW!!!!
POLICEMAN: (PICKING HIMSELF UP) I said ‘Now then, now then,… (PUNCH APPEARS FROM BEHIND AND KNOCKS HIM FLAT)…now OW!’
POLICEMAN: (PICKING HIMSELF UP) I said… (PUNCH KNOCKS HIM FLAT)
POLICEMAN: I’ll have to find that Mr. Punch. He’s messing about again. You were watching so tell me is he hiding upstairs or downstairs?
POLICEMAN: Thank you. I’ll go and look for him downstairs. (EXITS) (PUNCH APPEARS)
(ENTER POLICEMAN AS PUNCH EXITS DOWN.)
(POLICEMAN AND PUNCH POP ALTERNATELY UP AND DOWN INTO VIEW)
AUDIENCE/POLICEMAN: Downstairs. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.
(PUNCH STAYS IN PLACE WHILE POLICEMAN KEEPS ON MOVING)
POLICEMAN: Up. Down. Up. Down. Up (PUNCH KNOCKS HIM FLAT)
POLICEMAN: I’ll try again. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up
(POLICEMAN POPS UP AND DOWN AS BEFORE WITHOUT SEEING PUNCH ALONGSIDE COPYING HIM. PUNCH THEN KNOCKS HIM FLAT).
POLICEMAN: Tell you what. Where is he now?
AUDIENCE: BEHIND YOU!
POLICEMAN: (SEES HIM) Now look you. You’ve been a naughty boy. I’m going to take you to jail.
PUNCH: No you’re not.
POLICEMAN: Yes I am. You come with me when I count three. A-one, a-two
PUNCH: A-three. (KNOCKS HIM FLAT) That’s the way to do it!
TRANSITION TO END SCENE
DEVIL: (WITH PITCHFORK). You’ve lost your stick. Now what do you say!
PUNCH: (TO AUDIENCE) Help! Help! Help!
DEVIL: Too late for help. Got you. (PRODDING HIM WITH PITCHFORK) Got you. Got you.
(PUNCH GRABS PITCHFORK)
DEVIL: NO. That’s my stick. Let me have it.
DEVIL: Let me have it!
PUNCH: OK. (WALLOPS DEVIL TO THE FLOOR) THAT’S the way to do it! (LAUGHS AND KNOCKS DEVIL BELOW) Bye bye Devil. Bye bye.
JUDY (ENTERS) Ooh Mr. Punch I saw that up there. You clever old thing. You were fighting with the Devil and you beat him in a fight. You’re my hero. For getting rid of the Devil we’ll all give you three cheers. (TO AUDIENCE) Three cheers for Mr. Punch. Hip hip…
JUDY: Hip hip
JUDY: Hip hip
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