Extract from a traditional seaside Punch and Judy performance by Professor Glyn Edwards, recorded in 2005 in Aberystwyth.

Transcription:

PUNCH: (ENTERS SINGING) “Oh I do like to be beside the seaside. I do like to be beside the sea. And there’s someone else beside who I like to be beside, beside the seaside beside the sea.” (CHUCKLES) That’s the way to do it!

JUDY: Now you look after the baby while I go shopping..

PUNCH: Yes.

JUDY:…. and teach the baby to walk.

PUNCH: WHAT???

JUDY: Teach the baby to walk. It’s not rocket science. Bye bye (EXITS LEAVING PUNCH WITH BABY)

PUNCH: Bye bye. (TO BABY) Come on baby. Walky walky walky.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

PUNCH: Oi! I said walky walky walky!

(LAUGHTER)

PUNCH: Come on you soppy baby. (STANDS BABY UP) There we go. Come on. Walky walky walky. (BABY FALLS FLAT)

(LAUGHTER)

PUNCH: Whoops. Oi stop it. (STANDS BABY UP) Come on I said ‘walky walky walky’ (BABY FALLS FLAT. PUNCH STANDS IT UP) Stop it. I said ‘walky walky w... (BABY FALLS FLAT) .

(LAUGHTER)

PUNCH: (STANDS BABY UP) Stop it! Walky…(BABY SUDDENLY STARTS MOVING AROUND AT SPEED WHILST PUNCH TRIES TO CATCH IT) Stop it. Come here. Oi baby. (PUNCH AND BABY COLLIDE)

BABY: Waawaawaa.

PUNCH: Oooh. Poor baby.

BABY: Waawaawaa

PUNCH: Be quiet.

BABY: Waawaawaa

PUNCH: Shut up!!

JUDY: (ENTERS) Here Mr. Punch was that my baby crying?

PUNCH: No.

JUDY: Yes he was.

PUNCH: No he wasn’t.

JUDY: (TO AUDIENCE) Was my baby crying everybody?

AUDIENCE: YES!

JUDY: (FETCHING SLAPSTICK) I shall fetch my slapstick and I shall give you a big smack.

PUNCH: A Big Mac?

JUDY: No not a Big Mac.

(LAUGHTER)

JUDY: A big smack. (WALLOPS HIM TIL PUNCH TAKES SLAPSTICK FROM HER.) No! That’s my stick.

PUNCH: So what.

JUDY: Don’t you ‘so what’ me. It’s my stick. Give it to me.

PUNCH: What?

JUDY: I said ‘Give me the stick’.

PUNCH: OK. (WALLOPPS HER) That’s the way to do it.

JUDY: Oooh. You are so in trouble now! (EXITS)

POLICEMAN: (OFFSTAGE) Hello, hello hello.

PUNCH: Ooooh. It’s a policeman. Whoops. (EXITS)

POLICEMAN: (ENTERS) Right. Now then, now then, (PUNCH APPEARS FROM BEHIND AND KNOCKS HIM FLAT WITH SLAPSTICK) Now OW!!!!

(LAUGHTER)

POLICEMAN: (PICKING HIMSELF UP) I said ‘Now then, now then,… (PUNCH APPEARS FROM BEHIND AND KNOCKS HIM FLAT)…now OW!’

(LAUGHTER)

POLICEMAN: (PICKING HIMSELF UP) I said… (PUNCH KNOCKS HIM FLAT)

(LAUGHTER)

POLICEMAN: I’ll have to find that Mr. Punch. He’s messing about again. You were watching so tell me is he hiding upstairs or downstairs?

AUDIENCE: DOWNSTAIRS.

POLICEMAN: Thank you. I’ll go and look for him downstairs. (EXITS) (PUNCH APPEARS)

AUDIENCE: UPSTAIRS.

(ENTER POLICEMAN AS PUNCH EXITS DOWN.)

(POLICEMAN AND PUNCH POP ALTERNATELY UP AND DOWN INTO VIEW)

AUDIENCE/POLICEMAN: Downstairs. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.

(PUNCH STAYS IN PLACE WHILE POLICEMAN KEEPS ON MOVING)

POLICEMAN: Up. Down. Up. Down. Up (PUNCH KNOCKS HIM FLAT)

(LAUGHTER)

POLICEMAN: I’ll try again. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up

(POLICEMAN POPS UP AND DOWN AS BEFORE WITHOUT SEEING PUNCH ALONGSIDE COPYING HIM. PUNCH THEN KNOCKS HIM FLAT).

POLICEMAN: Tell you what. Where is he now?

AUDIENCE: BEHIND YOU!

POLICEMAN: (SEES HIM) Now look you. You’ve been a naughty boy. I’m going to take you to jail.

PUNCH: No you’re not.

POLICEMAN: Yes I am. You come with me when I count three. A-one, a-two

PUNCH: A-three. (KNOCKS HIM FLAT) That’s the way to do it!

TRANSITION TO END SCENE

DEVIL: (WITH PITCHFORK). You’ve lost your stick. Now what do you say!

PUNCH: (TO AUDIENCE) Help! Help! Help!

DEVIL: Too late for help. Got you. (PRODDING HIM WITH PITCHFORK) Got you. Got you.

AUDIENCE: BOOOO!

(PUNCH GRABS PITCHFORK)

DEVIL: NO. That’s my stick. Let me have it.

PUNCH: What?

DEVIL: Let me have it!

PUNCH: OK. (WALLOPS DEVIL TO THE FLOOR) THAT’S the way to do it! (LAUGHS AND KNOCKS DEVIL BELOW) Bye bye Devil. Bye bye.

JUDY (ENTERS) Ooh Mr. Punch I saw that up there. You clever old thing. You were fighting with the Devil and you beat him in a fight. You’re my hero. For getting rid of the Devil we’ll all give you three cheers. (TO AUDIENCE) Three cheers for Mr. Punch. Hip hip…

ALL: Hooray

JUDY: Hip hip

ALL: Hooray

JUDY: Hip hip

ALL: Hooray

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