The cigarette is the deadliest artifact in the history of human civilization. It is also one of the most beguiling, thanks to more than a century of manipulation at the hands of tobacco industry chemists. Here I'll describe how the cigarette came to be the most widely-used drug on the planet, with six trillion sticks sold per year. That turns out to be about 350 million miles of cigarettes—enough to stretch from the earth to the sun and back, with enough left over for a couple of round trips to Mars. In the United States, cigarette and their makers have been a significant source of corruption at virtually all levels of society: congress, the presidency, the military, the AMA, and most leading academic institutions. Cigarette money may well pose the most serious threat to academic integrity since the Nazi era: over a hundred historians have worked quietly for the industry, for example, and tobacco money has gone to at least 25 Nobel laureates. I'll also make the case for abolition—meaning a ban on the sale (not the use!) of cigarettes. My argument is essentially a libertarian one: most smokers dislike the fact they smoke, and wish they had never started. A ban on sales would therefore help smokers achieve what they want—which is to quit. I'll also have some things to say about how electronic cigarettes with their much-touted “digital vapor” differ from those old-fashioned “analog smokes.” Expect some colorful slides and provocative rhetoric!