Brent Goodman

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Hi there! Hello!

If you want to see more of my stand up comedy I do not do as often anymore in the last year, please contact me about your comedy show, talent show event, surf contest you hold, movie film festival you need an MC for, whatever. I also love to perform for people at non traditional stand up comedy venues like a house party in the backyard or in the living room doing my thang sister girl. Meaning if you throw together a bar-b-que at your house, the beach, the lake, where ever and it is easy for me to get to or get a ride up to from San Diego invite me to perform and film my set I do. I also as you can see in one of my videos love to perform pretending like I know a person or rock band and do a riff of their "it's your life" background bio of them that is all make believe and made up. The awkwardness of it from the band members is just priceless...they don't know what I will or won't say and are embarassed even though none of it what I state as fact is real at all! invite me to open up for your band performing as the biography of the band members stand up comedian!

I just saw I just saw World Of Dance LA 2015 final championships in downtown LA Saturday August 15th. Very enjoyable. The lighting at the event for the dance stage was not light bright enough. They used to many LED lights of colors but not enough normal stage lighting to see the dancers. I liked many of the dancers and dancing I saw that day. The drive up to LA with the traffic is a trek but well worth it to see all day events like this!

I attended and loved being sat the Hip Hop International world championships. Really had a very nice time watching all the dancers, dancing, and hip hop crews. It had worldwide talent from 50 countries and I saw well over 100 different dance crews do each a unique performance! Wonderful experience!

Comic Con 2015 was a real blast. I was sore as hell with achy overworked muscles of my back, shoulders, neck, and legs and feet by the end of the first day, that same Thursday night I was just wiped out. I did make it out to all 4 days of the comic con. I never go to Wednesday preview night anyways of my 25 years of attending comic con San Diego. I met plenty of super cute women I liked while walking around. A few of which I can only hope will maybe show interest or like me back possibly? If I put all my eggs in one basket with a hot girl babe I'm not close to or friends with already I will just scare her off and get nothing but rejected or ignored. So as a learned rule from my experiences in my life so far, never like just one girl at a time, have a crush on and flirt with a whole selection of women...if I ever try to pin down my interest in someone else to just one lady I admire and ignore all the rest I always fail with getting dissed. Anyways at comic con I bought a lot of fun things, things I needed like food, meals, train trolley ride tickets, other things I wanted like weird Japanese manga movies and old comic books both to collect for myself and many to trade or resell. By selling most of my more expensive comics to dealers at the con I had money to play with, till 4 days after comic con ended, I used the last of my left over money on more used old comic books in a collection. I have not heard back from any of the girls I met who I liked and thought were pretty this year...But that is not a new thing for me. That is for me...The last 16 years of my comic con experiences. If I try to pursue them like in my past years ago it is all a huge bad blunder gone wrong, when I let girls come to find me on their own...I do not get contacted by her, and I have to wait again till next year when I will meet more new women to flirt with and repeat the whole process all over again. I have to give myself a fresh positive dose of emotional amnesia just to not be so hurt jaded and sour at having to depend on any other people who continue to deliver to let me down hard each time. I guess it is nice to socialize and network as a nice guy intellectual hustler for 4 days totally away from my parents and their harsh criticism of me on a daily basis. I hate the idea I was hoping without admitting it to myself that this year girls might like me and yet again I came up short of being a star or expert at it. Some people did like me and approve of me at comic con this year..many comic book store dealers liked me as a person and as a guy selling his old comics combined. So some people found me likable and did approve of me. Hot girls...not so easy to please or grab her attention in that way. Being smart or insightful means nothing at all to an attractive woman. Never has, never will.

I just now realized that I have not even been using this blog format of communative personal journal essay writing here on Vimeo to speak to any one person who would be reading this. I.e. a hot girl I liked spying on me often here. That, that was something I used to do years ago back in the day, while now my writing is more updates to my life and experiences and thoughts. No longer meeting a girl playing games in the middle by writing directly to her without using her name in the writing. Funny how things in the past become quickly forgotten. Of oh yeah, I used to do that. I totally forgot about and did not think about it for the last few years till right now. I guess it is a good thing, that I am not stuck in the past and not living in the past but staying in the present moment in time in my life and options available to me as a person. Love letters are fun and great to write somebody I have a crush on. but maybe now it not the year to be writing or sending any hot girls love letters. Let them find me or pursue me and chill out about trying to hard to impress and get the attention of somebody I liked. I feel like I'm talking about my past self and not me of who I am of the last few years. In the last few years I just stopped giving a shit about a lot of things in life and did not have any real high hopes or expectations out of my life or standards of excellence coming from any other people. Just accept things and the world and people fro who they are, even if it is pathetic and not glamorized or idealized at all. I don't even think hot girls come on here to spy on me anymore. That was a long time ago when I was more ambitious and naive and hopeful to much. The girls moved on from secretly lingering around.

I did not do any sculptures, no drawings and no paintings in the last year except for a few flyers and posters for my websites and my comedy shows. This last 365 days has not been very productive as far as stand up comedy goes of getting up much with stage time and making art. This year was about collecting books and comics and trading or selling old books and comics. I felt that my art was lost in meaning and the translation if the artwork meant to impress and draw the approval of hot babes I adore did not much have any value to her or even me after the rejection and hurt. So making art lost the meaning for the most part without the muse or fans and fanfare of those appreciating me or seeing me as magic/magical and a beautiful mind.

In the next year of 2016 I want to transform my life and change things up for the better. I want to not have a book collection overwhelmingly the size it is at now. I will still collect old rare valuable books and comic books, but will have downsized my collection by at least 75% percent to 85% percent. Maybe even more if I lose my space to store my artwork and books. I also would like to have a girlfriend and be married. This is something I want, but rather than playing house make believe like an imaginative child, I want to make a smart choice and choose a girl who is a good match and good fit for me. Somebody who loves me back is a healthy start. Somebody who hears me, gets me, and is a good listener, will be willing to agree with me or listen to me about many things, not everything, but not fighting with me or putting me down to much. Also on my end someone I connect to and do not stay frigid or just a friendship only comfort level around her. Might not happen 99.5% percent chance that other than letting go of much of vast book collection that will be happening. the getting a girlfriend and married could be the greatest long shot sports upset in history. I don't want this to be my birthday wish again this year for my 36th birthday and be let down and depressed and saddened when the wish and dream does not happen and does not come true another year.

It's the middle of summer right now! The weather is my favorite for the entire year from April to August. I love having the sun out when you wake up in the morning and the color or the night time sky less dark with more lightness and ambience in the air particles. I also love the sun staying out till 8pm and not getting dark out till about 8:20 to 8:30 pm. Just lovely,, I love it and makes me feel a calm connection to the earth and being alive. A pleasant feeling.

I'm more involved with collecting, trading, buying, selling old books than doing stand up comedy up stage currently. I did not quit being a stand up comic, did not stop being a funny class clown, I still am an artist even if I only do my art only once in a while working on a new painting. Art was only going to be meaningful for me in the last year if I made art meant to impress hot girls who did not respect me or give the time of day as "gifts" or ways to "show off my talent/imagination,skills. love and attraction to her" I knew before making the art nothing good would come of it and it would not be well received at all. So I never made that artwork paintings. It was never drawn and painted except on a small sketch on piece of paper. If I can't really hide or shadow myself and who I am from people. And who I am will not be liked, appreciated, respected, or well received....Then I will just hide myself from that person and the world...Rather than be "that guy" she hates and gets approval and sympathy from others for disliking me. Don't stick your neck out if it will only just get chopped off with an axe from some spoiled self centered hot attractive girl who is popular with lots of men 24/7 for her looks and sexiness.
In the end who cares. I got tired of being the scapegoat bad guy for hot sociopath personality disorder narcissistic girls who can only love and care about themselves and not a single other person alive on earth without faking it and putting on a big actress role act with the other people she meets in her life. My art if it lacks the passion and drive and nesessity to make it and shout out the world from the rooftops and mountian tops what it is I am feeling inside or thinking about with unabandoned passion....Just won't easily get made...Because lose my interest in it if I do not have a personal or emotional deep seated connection to my life and goals and drive and dreams and existence.

I guess this here has been my blog essay journaling here online as I have not touched my old blog website in ages of at least 2 or more years. I changed a lot in the last 5, 6, 7, 8 years. And my old websites do not reflect or show the gap in the change in who I currently am rather it is stuck on the button of who or where I was in my life way back in 2008 or 2010 or 2012, ect.

I will be 36 next Month! Wow. I am not sure what I should wish for or want to get for my birthday. Money for buying books and old comics at a thrift store or comic con floor show will just be gone like that. Wishing for and dreaming for a loving girlfriend or meeting and finding a sexy loving adoring fiesty flirty wife is a kind of fantasy land long shot right now realistically with reality of how women respond to me or show interest back in me most of my entire life. Wanting a camera might be cool, but will use it enough before the technology and features of the camera are soon outdated in a few years? I guess finding more new friends to hang out with and be with and some girls who would want to be my girlfriend would be a great birthday wish...Not to sure I can receive such a gift in real actual life though. I'm kind of tired of wishing for and dreaming about the same goals and wishes each year and having them not come true and just another year older and more lived in goes right past me in my life. At least I'm not such a dreamer that I wish for peace on earth or to end all wars and end starvation or some kind of unrealistic fantasy like that which could never happen. The best birthday gift I could get would be to have a happier and healthier life. Meaning make more friends to spend time around, to be away from my parents and their house I live at more often around these new friends. And a girlfriend to be close to loved by, who acepts me and my love of her, someone to love and embrace and spend intimate time with. Maybe this is all just fantasy land talk. But it is what I want. But I'll stick to just more old books and comics if that's all I can get with what I will have to work with and am offered in life as the here and now and not idealized dream goal wish land.

Being a book collector is a good fit for me. I'm not sure how to turn it into a living and be able to support myself let alone a wife and kids and pets, cars, home, rent, bills, food, gas on collecting and selling old used books....But I know my books and comic books and well as I know my art history. Of all the millions and millions of books published I have a pretty good handle over all on what other people collect and what is probably going to be maybe valuable and what is a book only worth the 50 cents you paid for it. I do collect lots of books for myself that have no value to other book collectors because I like the subject of the book or the author. Like weird science, movie star biographies, UFO conspiracy kinds of books with unusual research reporting, and true crime about the bad guys we fear or ought to, these books are often not valuable money wise but provide me with pleasure and my brain food for my mind to feel nourished and not so hungry. Many people collect old comics more than read them it's become more of an investment like baseball cards or stamps rather than old reader copy condition childrens books that someone is going to actually open up to read and enjoy in their hands. I try to often find the kinds of mid range value comics of 12 to 60 dollars in market price that other collectors will actually want to open up and read for themselves at least once. Usually these are not the superhero books but the alternative or horror or movie related comic books. If it is weird or pop culture people will want it. Most will not want to spend more than 60 dollars for anything just for fun and themselves unless it will be worth much more after they save it and hold on to it. Books are more than just things people buy and more than just paper bound together that people will read in their free time. Books are a way of life, Being educated and self educating yourself everyday, a way to learn more not just about yourself, but other and our culture or another culture completely. The fact that books can not change the information inside once they are printed and can not respond to you or answer questions or clarify your ideas or insights on the subject of the book is both a good and bad thing. A good thing to have a place to think with a person butting in or being stubborn or difficult to deal with. A bad thing but often times you are left with the lid still open to the jar of ideas or facts you still do not have a handle on or understanding about even after reading their entire book word for word. Most the people at the library used book stores who price and shelve the books are old ladies who love books and are smart people. Most of them tend to be very nice people, not all, but most, especially the ones who sort and price the rare old used books to shelve later. There are more women than men in any college you might go to except at West Point or a military or technical school for hands on work that is not the nursing field, I hardly ever rarely see women my age at the used book sales or at the used book stores or even in the shelves of books in the library. Women go to the library to study at a table and do their homework or use the computer at the library. The only women who check out books within my age group older than 18 but younger than 42 are moms with little kids checking out childrens books for Suzzie and Johnny. Girls 18 to early 40's don't read or collect old used books. Some do, but it is more rare, rare like when you meet a celebrity or see somebody famous walk right by past you, more memorable than common and everyday. ( in reality I see and validate women at comic book conventions; Comic con is about now 50/50 men to women on the floors show, so that as a reality has changed and those intellectual and creative types of girls like to read and collect lots of books and comic books. Now back to trying to come across like a smarty pants tough guy with how I write and show off in order to impress and hopefully connect with intellectually or emotionally attract the hot girls who sometimes come on here to read this rants or essays spiderwebbed all together in one long box with lots and lots of writing.) I ask how if there are more women in college then men and more women getting the college teaching and staff jobs why are the college library shelves of old books sitting and collecting dust from no one reading them at all? Yes, the internet online has a wealth of information and resources to use just like a book. Most booksellers and hardcore book collectors are men. Online women are half the people collecting books, that part is even. But with emassing a huge and vast comic book or art book or non fiction subject book collection, the people are guys, intelligent, often socially awkward. Some have good social skills, some have shit for social skills. Often they are reading and studying and collecting rather than traveling the world. Most do not use drugs or drink. Many are artists. Many are huge art history and film buffs. Most like fantasy and science fiction classic books either to read or just own on their shelves. I would not call them all pussies but most book and comic book nerds are not douche bags, tough guys, bad boys, bros, drunk frat guys, meat heads.

I was watching bollywood India singing and Abba songs and techno music YouTube videos I was really into back in 2010 my first year in the dorms at Long Beach State. It was nice and felt good but weird to revisit things again that made me happy and feel good about the world and being just myself and who I am. What the hell happened? Where did the last 5 years go? I was busy with teaching and school from 2010 to 2013 and then in a bad depression and anger towards my life from mid 2013 to present moment of summer of 2015....I miss my innocence and bright eyed sense of wonder and glee I used to have a lot more of ready to leap out, "look out world Here I come". Maybe I was happier, maybe I was more naive about people and bureacracy or office politics. And life and the world and dishonest or toxic types of people with power for my direction I wanted to head in my life and dreams was going to catch up to me sooner or later no matter what was going to happen or did happen to me. Either way I'm not 100% percent the same happy go lucky person anymore. I expect now people to fuck with me and give me grief and a hard time. Thinking I can trust or depend on everyone I interact with or have to go through to get things done was a pipe dream and very not adult but childish. Adult is expecting people to give you crap and learning the best way you know how with how to take and what to do with it, to cut my losses, keep my mouth shut, or sling it right back in his or her face? Anyways...The old youtube bollywood and abba music videos made me feel very happy and complete and filled up/full as a person of being and feeling at ease and satisfied and relaxed much more. It made me feel good. I have not even gone back yet into all my past favorite bikini model pin up videos of women I was in love and lust with from afar. I can go to the beach to look at hot good looking girls in bikinis here in San Diego, I do not need the pin up photoshoot videos as much as I used to depend on them to get my fill of the girls I like and find attractive and appealing and identify with on a more animal, instinctual and primal level.

The girl at the gym I was in love with even though she rejected my facebook friend request a year ago, still gives me terrible dirty looks my way and I get complete sense of her hostility/entitlement/fear all combined into one when she sees me or goes over right next to the machine behind or in front of me while I am working out at the gym...This gym is huge with hundreds of machines and sets ups all the space about 6 to 8 acres of land inside maybe...It used to be an old Target store in the 1980's to 1990's till they turned into a gym in the late 1990's.
Well some hot blond girl waved hello to me in Cardiff near where the hot gym girl is from, at a restaurant I walked past on the street, the girl saw me smiled said hello softly to herself, lit up her face and waved to me. I was not sure who the attractive girl was, but she looked or acted in her face like she might have known me, or just maybe found me attractive as a man. I waved back and did not know in the moment to walk up to her at her restaurant table or not around others eating lunch...So I walked a block back to my car, got the balls to go back and say hello to her after writing down my name and number on a sheet of computer paper to hand to her as a brief introduction to hit on her back. But she was gone and out of sight and no where to be found 4 minutes later! Weird stuff. I looked inside the restaurant seating tables, no such luck, I looked around the block..it's a small town with limited number of streets and shops to be on and go to. Who was that girl? Was it someone who knows me? Did I hit on her or meet her before? Was it the girl I really like and fancy at the gym being flirtatious and nice with approval rather than disdain and hatred towards me in a new way of treating me suddenly? Girls don't openly initiate flirting with me like that anymore. If it is the girl at the gym I used to know and talk to all the time over a year ago, great, awesome, but a more than a little unnerved and thrown off if it in fact is or was her. I have my doubts. I mean if someone treats me like a pest and vermin and scum in the gutter why on earth would the same person try to call me over with a smile and wave of hi I know you come here to me look? Hot young women under age 22 often behave this way and give older guys lots of shit with playing games and mind games and well being a lead on queen and ice queen big tease. Hit on me one minute then the next day tells me never to speak to her again till she hits on me on the phone or in a text 2 days later. Been there done that. The problem is I like the way attractive young women look, they are often very toned, healthy, fertile looking and very pretty and youthful with all the curves you could want that are not yet saggy or wrinkly. It was probably not the same girl, but just some random very attractive blond young woman hitting on me as she is at her table all by herself on a Monday around 12 noon ready to get lunch..? I suspect that the hot blond babe at the gym is still very annoyed and uncomfortable around me all in her own mind and head of how she sees me and thinks of me. I used to think she was a hi how are you social friend I liked talking to at the gym everytime I saw her 2 years ago. Things change I guess. I think my facebook comedy videos with sexist attitude and jokes at the expense of attractive shallow women I dig at maybe had something to do with it. I'll probably never know, but my comedy character trying to be the opposite of the very sensitive emotional nice guy role I often am or was way back when...that character and persona can probably piss off and upset many women. But the nice guy nobody liked or respected either, so if I'm going to lose either way and be out of the running I'd rather be the wise as class clown awesome witty center of attention and MC of the evening than the pushover asking for others approval or something. I'd rather now be aggressive and be myself than be so submissive around others. I liked being up on the stage and the star of the show for my 5 to 10 minutes with an audience.

I will be turning 36 this July after comic con san diego is over! It feels weird to be so old and yet look and well act so young in so many ways. Except for a little bit of age wear and tear on my face or body in a few small areas. People think I look like or act like I am still somewhere in my mid to late 20s. I do not look or act like your typical guy in his mid 30's as you would have seen in the 1930's, 1950's, or the 1980's. The world changed with society and living and family standards greatly. Women were not so quick to just attach herself to guy right away or be so at ease around men interested in them first. Jobs were much easier to get and with less obstacles or need for extra amount of college degrees or credentials like you have to jump through hoops to get through today in todays world. High high cost of living compared to available jobs and the living wage you actually earn has greatly shifted and changed but not for the better unless you are the CEO or a board member of a major huge corporation. I still really want to get married, find a high quality wife somehow on my search here on earth, adopt animals and pets, and once I know she actually is very comfortable and accepting and unconditional loving to me
adopt kids should I be able to afford doing so. Many of the hot and very sexy gorgeous girls I am attracted to I am not so sure in reality would be the best "moms" or most stable and faithful to just one man only reliable "wives".
If someone is very self centered they would not be wanting to or willing to put somebody else and their wants or needs before their own desires and ambitions. I can adopt kids at any age really down the road, so maybe just start with pets first when I do possibly one day later on get married to somebody somehow. Right now all I can say is that I empty handed and have nothing to show for my adult life of being loved back or being loved at all by anybody as more than just a "friend". Peoples advice on how to meet women and be successful with dating and finding somebody is complete made up bullshit. I tried everything of advice given to me, and it all failed. Smart or "educated" women with a self righteous attitude don't like me at all most of the time, but act really stuck up around me, and I hate being treated and looked at like a less than. I'm also smarter and much more wise and intellectual than them anyways, even with her self awarded superiority attitude and to cool for school cold demeanor. So, I hate being dissed by supposed "smart" kinds of girls people keep pushing me to seek out and try to meet and end up failing with at the introduction level of meeting someone new for the first time. "smart" women is all just a big facade and paper tiger that can unfold easily. The smart and intelligent women in the world I met, meet, or know about like people and the world and are very interested in books, people, history, the world, things that can capture her attention, just like me as a guy. The rest with their supposed college degree pieces of paper on the wall are just posers and fakes if they have a crap attitude and don't like or have interest in the world, things, hobbies, passions, or other people besides themselves or like minded friends. I'll take an interesting girl or passionate about life girl over a stuck up "smart/educated" one any day of the week, hands down. One treats you like a person with some dignity, the other is a fool with bad attitude around other people not 100% exactly just like her. The world is full of interesting things and all kinds of people. The fact that college and jobs are now about 60 to 68 percent women means that some very smart or qualified men have been pushed out and very marginalized in education, schools, colleges, and the current work force of the last 10 years. Women took over in sheer numbers now education and the work force without even improving it, just changing it without improvements, they only added more rules and nowhere to be found a sense of humor and sense of reality and being in the present moment. This shift of being now all about girls run and taught by girls has changed things but not for the better unless you are a woman who can play the game and play other people without saying what you mean and meaning what you say with true backbone spine guts and honesty. Being coniving and lots of back stabbing and trite and very immature and trivial behaviors is the name of the game in college classes and the work force. The nicest women I find working as volunteers at the library book stores. These are the most wise, well rounded, and intelligent women you can find here in San Diego...they are also all my moms or grandmas age. Overly serious and completely stiff as a board humorless women no matter how many degrees she has under her, just aren;t really that smart or very insightful people. Their anger to many other people in her way as an obstacle leads her to not use her brain or accept the world and the people living in it, even if her gender can help her get a job more than a man just as if not more qualified than her in todays world. Reverse racism is like the way the the humans get treated in the planet of the apes movies, nothing changed for the better at all, but got worse with the apes in charge of the world and society.

Millions and millions of people around the world tonight Tuesday May 26th 2015 have heard a joke I wrote and gave a stand up comedian friend two years ago after a stand up comedy show was over. I gave him the joke he used as his first of two jokes in his set up on stage on national tv two years ago. He used all of the joke I wrote out verbatim! Wow that is one compliment to me as joke comedy writer/ ghost writer. The second joke was written by my younger brother Oren Goodman, either that same night or another night we saw him after a comedy show. No one would believe me or my brother as the original authors writers developers of the joke told on national tv at all, I gave it away for free to him as social friend I liked and wanted to network with. People reading this might think this is all another put on prank from the goofy class clown. The world is a strange place. The only 3 people who know for sure that we wrote much of the material he likes to use the last two years is: myself, my brother Oren, and the comedian, and maybe his girlfriend or maybe his parents. And that is it. I was not on national and international TV tonight...but my entire joke I wrote for him in under 5 minutes right there on the spot after a comedy show 2 years ago was! Same goes for my brothers joke he wrote and gave the comedian. Wow. Crazy. Very very very behind the scenes. So behind the scenes, all I have to show for it is not only did he like the joke and use it as his act...but people around the world also thought it was funny. When writing for another comedian and their voice, I can be more creative because I do not have to throw in miniature horses, bikini models, not fitting in socially, ect...from the material I use of my own comedy on stage...what goes into another comedians act is their identity and character or how the audience...meaning myself...and average Joes or the other comedians would find him or her funny to say or deliver. Yes, I do and have wrote many peoples new jokes given away for free, because I have a fast intelligent creativity and if I can come up with a stand up comedians material on the spot in under 1 to 5 minutes I have to urge to share it with him to use. A few different comedians have absorbed my jokes I wrote just for them. Which is fine. It's like me giving drawings or portrait drawings away to people for free as gifts, A) I can do it. I can draw it fast. B) it will only sit as a piece of paper stored away in a box in storage or lost in my random clutter in a week from that day. C) this is a natural born gift I have inside me....humor. intelligence. insight. creativity and imagination that is fast and off the charts. This is using my imagination for good in the world. Not letting it run away with me chasing after an unattainable fantasy girl, job, pet cat, horse or dogs, career, purpose in my life, living situation...most my fantasies revolved around dream girl girlfriends that were not going to pan out at all in reality, or jobs and careers that have fallen short of where I wanted it to go. Pets will happen in the future but that is a long way off from today and right now in this moment of living at home with my parents house again.

Mad Max Fury Road was an epic masterpiece. What a film. It felt legendary and like a new instant classic hollywood big production film that is a must see for movie lovers for years to come! Go see it in 3-D at a nice comfortable theater! I was more than impressed. I was pleased that Hollywood went way above average into a new masterpiece modern work of art and folklore mythology!

Pop Culture is an interesting thing. It is what comic con is today. A meeting place and celebration of people who are all fans of pop culture and the various facets of comic books, movies, music, comedy, drama, sci fi, fantasy, horror, action adventure, video games, costumes cos play, ect

I enjoy being a fan and collector and trader in the market of pop culture. I like to collect and study and read up on things and keep track of what was, what is, and what will be with popular culture and comic books or movies in the youth or fan market. A social friend I have that I trade old comics with told me he was impressed with my knowledge of all kinds of subjects and areas I focus as a collector and trader or book scout. Maybe the only other people impressed that I know or can retain so much information about old books and comics books would be another like minded person involved in the comic book and old movie collector lifestyle? Maybe hot girls do not want "comic book nerds" or "socially awkward cynical pseudo tough hard ass court jester stand up comedians" Just being recognized and appreciated meant a lot to me. I do not hear that at home from anyone in my family. I went to the mall today 5-21-2015 and I did see a very attractive pacific islander girl I liked, but I saw her as I was about to exit the doors and she was entering the mall with 2 of her friends. She was not the pack leader of her click, but she was the hottest and wore the brightest colors, the 2 other attractive big booty tough girls wore all dark blue black, and she wore neon light pink t-shirt. I seem to be attracted to sexy women wearing tight fitting neon pink tops lately in the last week. Something about a brunette dark or very tanned girl white or pacific islander wearing bright pink that has been catching my eye and interest. Actually I walked the indoor mall for 2 hours after seeing the hot girl with her friends in hopes I would run into her. I never saw her again or got a chance to speak to her or to flirt with her. I wasn't going to talk myself out of it. But after 2 hours of just hanging out and wandering the hallways of the mall people watching I had to call it a day and get the errands done I had put off for two hours and also get the lunch I skipped. A lot of other guys, most younger than me and in small groups of friends were also at the mall to obviously try to meet some hot girls, just like me. They also wandered around for two hours, thought I do not think they had any new mystery girl crushes in mind of who they wanted to ask out. The women were all there for shopping, except for a few late 30's early 40's cougars trying to hard to appear sexy, but looked more out of touch trying to be a cool 16 17 year old in a grown 40 year old womans body with fashion that did not feel right trying to hard to be trendy and unintentionally out of date or a throwback more than what is current and in the now. Now I was not dressed cool. I even wore my sweatpants that morning to my doctors appointment so i know i looked nerdy. I was not expecting to see a girl I had an instant crush and attraction to that day like I did. I was just at the mall to people watch to feel less alone and lonely as a person away from the TV and my parents for a while and pick out some more old back issue comic books at the mall comic book store. Some people seem to walk past you in the mall and just disappear, other I pass by each other walking around maybe 20 more times in that 2 hour period. The strange part is the amount of lonely local grown men my age looking to meet a nice or sexy girl at 1pm on a thursday afternoon in a shopping mall and the amount of very attractive girls shopping or hanging out walking around the shops in the mall at the same time. I did not expect that on a Thursday afternoon just after lunch time so many attractive women would be clothes shopping from store to store at forever 21 and the victoria's Secret. The hot women with little kids no a no brainer, they need to go some place with the kids to get food or keep them busy, why not the mall? The rest without a boyfriend with her and without kids, well...were they only clothes shopping when strutting her stuff on the prowl showing off her swagger and prowess? Or are they just as lonely for companionship with someone they find attractive but hide it and play games or act coy to disguise a desperation to fit in and be liked or feel popular and the want and need to be desired is the same, but the guys are the ones expected to meet her or chase her without getting the mall security to want to kick the group out for disturbing the female shoppers by hitting on them to much? I saw a whole group of guys hit on a girl and try to pick her up as she walked past them. She did not go for it or like them that much overall, but they had lots of cool guy confidence. i prefer to hit on hot girls one on one and not with a group of guys and select or choose ahead of time the woman I like to prepare myself in the next few minutes of what I will do or say to introduce myself and also to build up the raising excitement I get knowing that I will go talk to that girl and the build up of adrenaline is lots of fun and feels really good as long as she does not get mean or rude or hostile to me and snap at me when I do possibly get a chance to meet her if I can find her again in a sea of people and various shops and vendors. Girls do not approach me at the mall for a date or to go out with her. I do not see many hot girls walk up to men at the mall and give him her phone number for a date. Sometimes more bad boy tough rugged bad ass buff strong tough guy types get hit on by more slutty looking women in revealing clothing. But that is the only type hot damaged women who rely on her good looks seem to chase after or pursue hitting on a stranger at a mall or outdoor event somewhere. So no luck getting a chance to meet the mall mystery hot sexy but tough from the hood girl today, it's hard that once you leave the mall or store or go to get in your car and see this hot girl pass you by how to be on target to know what to do or say to meet her, after all I was visually to her just leaving....How do I go back to the store she might end up at and do more shopping without buying anything? See it is not so easy. Maybe the guys at the mall my age looking around to hopefully meet a hot girl that afternoon also dislike online dating and enjoy the 1980's and 1990's era of meeting girls at random by luck out and about away from home and in a safe location of public cosmopolitan life and commerce face to face in person with the other person. I am one of those types of people myself. I do or atleast used to hit on hot supermodel kinds of girls online before, but I have always like to flirt with girls face to face in real life. not hearing back from anyone of the girls I met before might hurt or sting, But it is part of the risk to apply to date her even if I do not get an interview or call back regarding the position of being her possible full time or part time employment of being her newly hired boyfriend. Some guys want the internship job, free sex, no commitments, no public affection.

5-19-2015 Today was a pretty darn good day today actually! Last night I actually painted in watercolors again and enjoyed it. Note I was not alone or in the zone at home, it was an art therapy group I was trying out for the first time. Even if the other people in the group are not natural born talented artists I really drew from their passion and drive and love of art making and creativity. They inspired me. I work best when in a social setting around other in a safe environment where I am accepted and allow to be my true self the best anyways. I often do or used to make art paintings all alone in the zone very focused and in tuned with myself and body mind imagination memory thought mechanics and hand eye cordination...But living at home in a family always fighting and not getting along hardly ever for more than an hour or two at the most before someone insults scolds or puts another family member down in a mean way....I do not feel safe or at home where I live right now, meaning I don't feel safe or comfortable about being at ease and being myself around my parents who will blast me often. So my drive and creativity has subsided and wained and now is more of an elongated deep depression feeling stuck and tied to my parents financially and emotionally even if ideally I would move out on my own again....I just do not have my own income in order to survive without them, or someone else to fill the void of how I'm not able to make ends meet on my own in my present day living and life situation. I still want to get married, very much so to a woman I like and find myself aroused by, deeply attracted to, amusing to me, and comfortable around and can get and relate to easily and not be ill at ease or on guard about being myself around her, and not afraid of being sexual or romantic around her either. I don't chase after girls I do not desire in one of the many ways I find a woman appealing and interesting or captivating and so alluring to me. I want a woman a wife I'm just stunned and in a state of thrill and adrenaline every time I see her, am next to her, and look at her that my body and mind and senses just go into a knee jerk chemical reaction. I'm a very visual and emotional person, thats why for me beauty and sexy toughness of being a fiesty hot babe beats brains any day of the week. A woman with brains and intelligence excites me not in a crush or sexual way but in a comfortable safe for me to be intellectual and smart friendship only sort of way.

today was a gooood, day. I hope to have more days like today. 1) away from my mom and dad and rules and scolding and put downs and arguements. 2) a sense of happiness and hope and acceptance from others. Being liked or loved by another person in a peer to peer kind of way is very healthy for me. 3) comfortable at being creative and at making some of my own artwork again. Baby steps / baby steps 1, 2, 3. (what about bob movie)

Somedays I am up, many days in the last 3 years I have been very down. I often feel inside like a has been who never had his moment or never ripened to completion. Some years in life, my life has been / or once was, pretty eventful or what I would consider fun, enjoyable, and a success. This year and last year are not one of them. No matter how many girls or different kinds of girls I try to meet and flirt with I don't ever hear back from them. Maybe 1% percent at best. I don't even feel as smart or talented as I used to a handful of years ago. Now I feel left out and a definitive misfit out among other people and especially girls expectations of what a desirable guy she likes is. I don't feel accepted. Most women understandably want a hot or flashy or cocky kind of guy who makes enough ample amount of money to support her and her take care of her. Not ever the other way around. so without the riches or background experience resume of being the player with the long and exciting resume of chicks who pursue me to the ends of the earth. I'm alone. I'm on my own, and left to my own devices not able to change or expand that much of where I would like to go in my life. It would sure help to get recognition or open arms from other people right now. But that has not been the case lately. I do what I know to do already, or know what not to do from previous life experience where I learned from my mistakes, failures, and blunders. I like to be the center of attention and put on a show as an entertainer class clown comedian or storyteller. Finding or keeping that audience and a positive response right now is very difficult. I'm old, I'm overlooked. I'm nowhere now. Yes I know my books and old books and collectable valueable comic books very well with my high intelligence. I'm a self taught book scout book collector. My book and comic book collection is second to none. I tried the last two months to pursue the advice of others about meeting "smart" women who I "should" be with, and it did not work. The "smart" women at the USC bookfair this year were not pleasant or kind towards me, but grouchy and pretty judgemental and disapproving. I like bikini models and rap video girls in lingerie the best anyways. I like very sexy women who control men through offering the carrot tied to the stick above the mules head to get him to move forward. None of them are as well read or as worldly intellectual or as insightful as me, and that is fine by me. I like the pretty vulnerable childlike hot girls for a reason, I relate to them on a street smarts and constant need for others attention and approval level. I don't mind taking other peoples advice but when I knew who I was and what I wanted and what is best for me the whole time and already tried a failed attempt many times before. I hate knowing that the failure of trying to meet "smart" women was not a success and it was not a surprise as much as a disappointment for me. Because I did try. I even had a hotel I paid the night for in order to stay in LA to make both days of the book fair. what works for most other people when it comes to finding a date or girlfriend really does not fit well or go over well with me. I stand out, I'm unusual, an outsider. Not intentionally waking up in the morning, hey I should be different or strange to everyone else and how they live or perceive the world and experience things. But my growth as a child and adult has matured, but the themes of need for love and approval, creative art and lots of self expression, love of artwork and books and studying subjects that interest me, and hot girls and bikini supermodels has not faltered, shifted much or changed around since kindergarten age 5 or so. I have to be who I naturally am inside, no choice about it....except to censor myself to fit in better to be not a bothersome person or set myself up to be overlooked rather than someone the girl hates or whatever people do these days. Fake it till you make it is not a good fit for me. I keep to myself these last few years, I don't rock the boat much. I stay out of the way of wanting to impress beautiful women I'm really into and like and have a crush one. I don't push boundaries or peoples buttons by being myself, here in San Diego I am very mild and almost not even here by being so following the supposed code of conduct when it comes to meeting girls. And I have nothing to show for it. I still get female girls online spying/staking my website stuff online. That is consistent...but the rest. I feel like a phony, like I have been regulating myself and totally phoning it in, just to not stick out like a sore thumb as "that guy". Even when I keep to myself and don't stir the pot, do not make weird ass artwork, do not write any girls love letters...it's all nothing. Nothing to prove, nothing to show for it, nobody to be romantic with or close to and safe around. My old ways would have left me on the bad guy list, so I don't miss the rejections and pain at being dissed I used to get all the time, being hurt is not something I need more of, in fact I need much less of it right now. I used to be very upfront and open with everyone and super obvious of my interest or intentions. Now I don't open up to others like I used to, cause it's not safe to show interest in women I like or am attracted to anymore. I'm not hiding. I'm self censoring myself and now the invisible man nobody see's or remembers meeting. A memory lost in time even while I'm still here and not in the ground yet. Love is a fantasy. A Fantasy is the closest I can get to love, by using my imagination and excellence at escapism from a blurry and confusing and wretching reality.

Hopefully some of the hot girls on here liked this little rant essay journal of shame and degredation and depression I am currently going through. I have no idea if she is clothed while reading this or doing other things while reading up on me, like using her fantasies as a pleasurable activity for herself. Why internet Brent is better than who I am in the flesh in person in real life is better for 100% percent of the women I meet is just a loss of words for me to shun away from and feel really small thinking about.

This May I have been going through my book collection overabundence inventory all month in hopes to downsize my extensive book collection down tiny bit by bit a little at a time. It will take me over a year realistically.

Any girls reading this interested in me or dating me maybe? Seriously, not a joke, reach out to me if your a girl who has a liking or crush on me. I'm looking to go out with more people and date more often again.

Wow what a fun month it was for me this April. I traveled by myself to Anaheim for the wondercon comic book convention for all 3 days! I went to Las Vegas for 3 days to go the the NAB show to look at camera and movie camera current recording technology available for consumers and professionals! And I also spent the night in LA for a weekend at the USC LA Times Festival of Books. The festival did not lead to any educated or worldly smart women much interested in me this year. But in years past I met some really high quality attractive beautiful women! I was hoping to run into the same woman I spoke with 2 years ago this time around again....But I did not see her at this years event. 2 years is a long time. Hey she might be married with a little kid or something now? She was given my name number hometown I'm from, email, website, and most girls I do meet I do relay my contact info to her or a way for her to easily find me or reach me even without an email or telephone number.
I bat around I don't know around 1 for a 1,000 of women who like me back of those who I met and flirted with before. Not the best odds in the world. But hey, thats what it is, thats what it is. I still as many of you know from me announcing it so often over the last few years have a regular following of hot girls who spy/follow/online stalk me and my websites or social networking sites on a repeat basis. These hot girls are the 999 out of thousand who do not respond back or try to reach out to me ever. I never see them again or hear back from any of them again. Some how I left my mark or imprint on her fantasies, fears, confused and guilty sexual and sensual desires and passionate response to me from afar online only, or tapped into causing her to have some primal wild animal instincts she only lets out in the privacy of her own home by herself. It goes way further with most these hot elusive girls who have nothing to do with me as a friend or person in her life than just a curiousity or point of random interest of a guy to watch and observe more of what he is about. Much of it involves obviously an attraction or sexual attraction from these women who often return to my online profiles and websites, but never gave me much of a chance to get to know me and become friends or be in my life somehow as a peer. Being that I do not get love letters or open ended offers from any of these select women who prefer to remain anonymous and keep her attraction or desires about me a huge secret or something she is ashamed of and feels guilty about and thrilled about at the same time, if she were really fixated and infatuated with me and totally smitten about me...I would here back from her or see her around directly with her putting in the effort to land me as her boyfriend that I do not see now or happen often much at all but on a very rare occasion or occourance. So I'm not sexy or hot enough to drive her wild with passion and lust to the tipping point that she wants to be with me and arrange to make herself available to me that way. I'm more of an amusement or side show attraction to look at and gawk at, to stare at, or with some girls I'm sure point at to all her family and friends who might well wonder why she is even mentioning me at all, a guy who is not and never once was a person in her daily life or real life she lives. I do not hear from any hot chicks family or friends that she is obsessed or fixated about me, but I can kind of tell or guess some girls have done that to me before of being a sex object of the intellectual very intelligent socially awkward and emotional emotive guy creative fine artist stand up comedian fantasy thing. Do the women like seeing me lonely and rejected by them...as a form or pleasure or satisfaction somehow she is pleased about and causes her a sense of calming satisfaction and fulfillment of her standing or importance of being a popular girl with men who desire her in sexual or romantic way? Where she is popular with guys chasing after her for dates or sex and I am struggling to make or keep friends and find dates or meet women who like me back? The whole set up of my popularity online with sexy or attractive women is a strange one for sure and some people think I must be making the whole thing up in my head and it's all a fantasy in my imagination. The stats and online information gathering web pages of who visits my websites that I look at often of where my visitors online come from and what they look at or returned back to look over once again would prove this notion I'm making it all up in my head wrong and prove otherwise that in fact most of my returning fan audience is sexy women not all of who are single, many of whom have a current boyfriend at the time or right now and still on here reading this or something I else I have put content up about online. The weirdest thing is this: if a sexy popular woman guys chase after 24/7 rejects me online or in person and blocks me on facebook or some other site....about 35% percent of the time to as high as 80% percent of the time that same woman goes back to my various websites and looks at videos of my artwork or my cat, looks at essays I once wrote years ago about myself, looks at my statues, pictures of my dogs and cat, my resume, my stand up comedy sets on video clips, you name it, they view it or watch it after blocking me or removing me from writing to her or having an open conversation to get to know her. a missing profile face means they chose to cut me off from contact to her...as to why these same various models and supermodels now want to know more about what schools I went to and what books reviews I wrote or what ceramic statues I made in 2008 or 2009 is strange and confusing mixed messages behavior. If I am not good enough for her or her time, then why does she keep returning to spend time on my website and online web content over and over again as a decision she chooses to make with how she uses her time online on her computer. If I's so interesting to her and her attention online and in her mind and her thoughts often....Then why would she not want to have me as a friend or guy to go out on a date with in real day to day life? If I was not worthy or good enough for her standards to be friends, or date each other, then what about me would be so appealing and interesting to go to and go over and keep revisiting online? I can only speak for myself...but I do not go to or visit the websites I do not like or go to pay attention to websites or online profiles of people I dislike. If I'm not interested in somebody else or I dislike them, I do not pay any attention to them, especially not online where there is so much to do and look at. I'm "that guy" these random girls still remember and kind of like but still shunned me regardless anyways...I can't all keep track of who they are or where I met them once before a while ago, there is just to many and the visitor or fan follower viewer patterns are irregular and have no rhyme or reason to them. Like I said if the girl open shut me down or dissed me online or in person almost all of them are the ones viewing me later on the longest and in the most effort involved in which she studies and fixates about me. I'd rather just have a good new friend or awesome girlfriend to go out with than another cyber stalker type snooping around taking just one more last quick peek at me without saying a word to me about it. It has been way more than just one or two women who have done this. It's up in the at least the hundreds somewhere of the amount of girls who look at me often or for long periods of time online with her own computer and cognition of how she spends her day or her evening that night. Different cities and towns in the USA and some women abroad internationally also spy or fixate on me in secret. "Return Traffic" I'm not so sure I can really call them true fans if they want nothing to do with me in real life face to face dates or friendships. So. . . . nearly everyday a different hot girl I once met way back when returns to one of my websites again. I learned about United States Geography not through news topical items, or traveling around the USA as much as of, oh that town or city must have some hot girl I flirted with before. Guys go on to my sites, once, maybe a few times, then thats it, they never return again as a friend or peer. Girls love to day dream and linger on over me silently ...some for months if not years. And these are girls who look like a model or are a semi famous bikini supermodel where they have an abundance of male fans and horny guys chasing after her to hit on her all day everyday 24/7 both in real life and online trying to reach and impress her!

Anyways back to staying more positive about my own real life I live day to day that I do have control over. April was a good month for me. I had not taken a vacation by myself in over 6 years before this last few weeks!

Had good times at Wondercon this year. To any people who met me at the convention thank you for stopping in to see my comedy sets and other things I offer out to the public online. But remember my online persona is a bit more of an exaggerated cartoon character version of myself with pieces of the truth mixed in with lies and tall tales to get laughs on the stage or keep the women who visit my websites interested in me. A high strung very intense bleeding heart emotional guy that is snappy gets more views than the regular middle of the road milder person who looks forward to playing with my cat and dog and loves collecting books as a day in day out life and lifestyle. Nobody is turned on by a normal guy not pushing people buttons. Being taboo or politically incorrect gets women all excited and easily excitable. Lot's of my politically incorrect things I do say can be the truth though for some topics or opinions, not all, but many.

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