It seems cruel, but Michael just has this intuitive way of cutting diagonally that gets the most blood with the fewest expensive emergency room trips. He only has his reputation to blame.
Dear Michael: This is the 5sf Joke Approval Committee. We wanted to write to congratulate you on the acceptance of your new joke, "I shoot myself through the skull and let loose a post-mortem fart in a pool of my own blood!" We are sure it will be an excellent addition to the archives, and look forward to future contributions from you. Sincerely, Brian Firenzi.
The parents took him to small claims court and he proceeded without a lawyer, basing a case on the proof that their children had more fun with him than they ever did with them. After the "not guilty" verdict, he celebrated by taking the all-child jury to Chuck E. Cheese with a coked-out stripper as his date.
He woke up 5 minutes later, having had the craziest dream. All he could remember, as it started to fade from memory, was having been chased by a giant baby in leather chaps, whispering that he was fired. As he cleared the spit off his chin, he noticed that everyone was looking at him funny and Mark, that slimy ladder-climbing intern, was walking into his office with a box of desk supplies and tchotchkes. Then he knew.
